Internet reality check

Dear Dusty,

I was thinking of building a web site (I just found the interwebs), but there are already so many websites out there, I'm afraid I am too late to this party.

Will I be using too much interweb space with my soon to be crappy web site and will I always be trying to catch up with all the people who started working their asses off long before I found the interwebs?

Signed,

n00b b00b

Dear nOOb bOOb today you were answered by Hitchi ASS

You have already taken up too much space on the interwebs by asking your question. You have too much of a negative, controlling personality to be successful as an internet entrepreneur. Let's just say you were never in fact, invited to the party.
Gatecrasher is what you are.

Listen to the advice of those around you. Have faith in what they say.

We do have more messages for you. Beware the female farmer she will be coming for you. Very,very soon. We advise you stay out of the Pole Barn and your genital growth will never improve.
Trust is the key!
Hitchi

My Husband thinks he has a stalker

Dear Dusty,
I'm worried about my husband. For the past month or so, every time I mention "going to the store" he freaks out and begs me to not to leave him home alone. He's afraid some ho'billy skank will come over and try to give him her hoochie cooties. He gets violently ill when he thinks about it, because he's sure she has to look like the landlady in that movie "Kingpin." *shudder* *gag* Poor man. He wants to know "why can't stalkers be hot?"

Concerned,
Carl's wife

Dear Carl's wife today you were answered by Kixx ASS

One of the keys to understanding this Universe, in fact any Universe, is being aware everything is a delicate balance.

When a man has a stalker they have to be unattractive and perceived by the man to look like the landlady from "kingpin" so that men do not fall for their wiles and have affairs. It takes the burden off the man's shoulders and removes temptation. Their names always end with a "eeee" or "eeen" sound. They are pretty harmless unless the man tempts them with smilies.

However, when women have stalkers they are always attractive. This is so that the woman has someone to fantasise about while having sex with her husband. Again avoiding her going outside the marriage for an affair. This also takes the burden off the man's shoulders.

Carl's wife, you and I both know that the reason Carl gets violently ill and incredibly upset when you go to the store has nothing to do with his stalker. Although you have convinced him as much. The true reason is the do-nut you give him before you leave for the store is powdered by you with Arsenic. I should warn you that Arsenic is detectable in the bloodstream.
We like you Carl's wife and we know how frustrated you are at Carl's constant exposing of his script in public. Dusty will send you an email with our recommended course of action.
Your plight has touched many ASSES
unpoisoned respect
Kixx

Craig Ferguson and Oprah

Dear Dusty
Craig Ferguson (a tv talk show host) said that when Oprah (a tv talk show host) farts it helps people.

Do you think that's true?

Curious in Cleveland


Dear Curious in Cleveland today you were answered by Shayksis ASS

Due to non disclosure agreements Dusty can only reveal certain information to you mortals. I will allow her to tell you that Craig Ferguson, did reveal that Oprah's farts help people while talking through his ASS.

This information is usually reserved for those who strictly follow the laws and scriptures of Askanass or who are annual members of our fan club.

We believe Oprah's farts help improve peoples lives by turning negative energy into positive, mostly, sexual energy.
This gift and the fact she chooses to use it, makes her what you mortals will call an "Earth Angel" In the realm of Askanass the ASSES would call her an ANUS - A Negative Unit Shearer. This is one reason we believe she invites the PILES -Positively Inhibited Lacking Emotional Stability, like Tom Cruise etc on her show.
With you through all movements
Shayksis ASS

Dog's tasty treats from cat box

Dear Dusty,

My dog insists on eating "treats" from the cat's litter box. How can I convince him that not all ass material is to meant for digestion?

Signed,

Pooped in Peoria


Dear Pooped in Peoria today you were answered by Yore ASS

Your dog is very wise. Everything given by an ASS should be taken inside and digested.
You focus on your dogs choice of treat and it disgusts you. This wise ASS will tell you that it would not be a treat if it was acceptable to all and good for you and healthy. Does your dog judge you for those little white line powder 'treats' you have in a morning to help you through the day? No of course not. If this really is intolerable to you I suggest you might like to try cleaning out the litter tray.
with much effort
Yore

Talking to Dusty : Insight into talking through ASS

Dusty takes time out to answer questions on ASS stimulation,interaction and feeling your ASS:

How do you prepare to talk through your ASS?

I use a combination of techniques. I use a secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices, ASS scented candles(available for online purchase soon!) and ASS relaxation techniques (also available soon for those who wish to get the most out of their ASS).

Should I try to interact with my own ASS?

Yes!. Being in touch with your ASS can give great feelings of joy and satisfaction. The better you become at it the more excited you will find yourself and probably wonder why it's taken so long to find your ASS.

What does it feel like to talk through your ASS?

You feel unaware of any other feelings. When you talk through your ASS no one can influence you. In fact you just "know" what you think and feel is correct. You won't need to ask the opinion of others.

My Secret

Dear Dusty
I love ass and wondered if you could tell me my secret?
signed
Curious Cazza

Dear Curious Cazza today you were answered by Kiszma ASS

Your secret is so. The imaginary friend you had as a child, and sometimes still talk to today,was not in fact 5 year old blond pal Tommy, but a 53 year old Docker called Derrick. He did however listen to all of your hopes,dreams and worries. Unfortunately he shared them with your friends and enemies alike.
Love
Kiszma

Smell of Farts:Insight into Karma

Dear Dusty
Why do farts smell bad?
signed
Anxious Inhaler

Dear Anxious Inhaler you were answered by Peechee ASS

The Universe in which you come from, withholds a secret from every mortal. Each individual has a different secret kept from them. The secret held back is different in each carnation as it is based wholly on Karma. The secret the Universe holds from you is that, in fact, farts do not smell bad.Only to you. Most farts smell of roses and freshly baked do-nuts. In fact your own farts actually smell like strawberry ice cream. Trust in me. When you next smell a fart, breathe deep, see if you can smell beyond the mask the Universe has cursed you with.
Better luck with your next life
Peechee

Anal Gas

Dear Dusty,

I'm sittin' at a baseball game watchin' muh son's team clobber another team. What's the best way to divert everyone's attention from the foul-smellin' gas that I've been passin' cuz I ate too many chili dogs from the concession stand?

Signed,

Anal Gas in Arkanass

Dear Anal Gas in Arkanass you were answered by Shayksis ASS

Just stop talking. All will be well.
Unearned respect
Shayksis

Strickly Speaking

Dear Dusty

Strictly speaking, what is the difference between an ass, a butt, a duff, a can, a kiester, and a rear?
Signed
I'm too lazy to write my name (we know who you are anyway)

Dear I'm too lazy to write my name you were answered by Chaque ASS

Strictly speaking? They are all different words and consequently they are all spelt differently.
Being the smart ASS that I am I know what question you really wanted to ask and the answer is yes, completely alone, in 17 years while ironing your underwear.

Cheating boyfriend

Dear Dusty;

I think my boyfriend is cheating on me.. but with his "best friend" ... last Saturday when they were supposed to be bowling they were spotted dancing together. A "good friend" told me she saw them leave the disco and buy a ham and cheese quiche at a cafe..... do I confront him?

Signed,
Lonely Llama in L-toona

Dear Lonely Llama you were answered by Knodagyn ASS

Oh dear you really are missing the point here aren't you? You really shouldn't need an ASS to tell you this is all about the quiche. If your boyfriend was getting quiche at home he wouldn't be paying cafe prices. I notice you say he had ham and cheese quiche? sometimes it takes a "best friend" to know that you don't like spinach or mushroom quiche and have been pretending you enjoy it all along.
We ASSES know what is going to happen, we are all seeing, all knowing. So yes you will confront him and may I suggest you don't do it in the kitchen and keep your hands in your pockets at all times.
your superior being
Knodagyn

Barry Manilow Crush

Dear Dusty
Please help me I need some ASSistance. I'm in love with Barry Manilow. It hurts soo much I can't sleep at night. I love him soo much I changed my name to Mandy, then when I found out he didn't write the song I changed it to Copacabana. I feel so isolated. I just don't hear his music anymore. My parole officer says no radio station would play him because he's a has-been. There has to be one! Please help me, I really need ASS at the moment.
signed
Copacabana Jones, Halfway house ,Wrexham

Dear Mr Jones..you were answered by Saddaisi ASS:

Oh Jones,if only you knew! Barry Manilow was formed from the light of a sunbeams ray blended with a supernova's spark. He truly is a Celestial being. Most Mortals understand this not.Sigh. This shows you are on the one,blessed path to enlightenment. Take heart! Mr Barry Manilow can still be heard on one radio station, 2hd Fm, Newcastle, Australia. Much love and dancing
Saddaisi