My Husband thinks he has a stalker

Dear Dusty,
I'm worried about my husband. For the past month or so, every time I mention "going to the store" he freaks out and begs me to not to leave him home alone. He's afraid some ho'billy skank will come over and try to give him her hoochie cooties. He gets violently ill when he thinks about it, because he's sure she has to look like the landlady in that movie "Kingpin." *shudder* *gag* Poor man. He wants to know "why can't stalkers be hot?"

Concerned,
Carl's wife

Dear Carl's wife today you were answered by Kixx ASS

One of the keys to understanding this Universe, in fact any Universe, is being aware everything is a delicate balance.

When a man has a stalker they have to be unattractive and perceived by the man to look like the landlady from "kingpin" so that men do not fall for their wiles and have affairs. It takes the burden off the man's shoulders and removes temptation. Their names always end with a "eeee" or "eeen" sound. They are pretty harmless unless the man tempts them with smilies.

However, when women have stalkers they are always attractive. This is so that the woman has someone to fantasise about while having sex with her husband. Again avoiding her going outside the marriage for an affair. This also takes the burden off the man's shoulders.

Carl's wife, you and I both know that the reason Carl gets violently ill and incredibly upset when you go to the store has nothing to do with his stalker. Although you have convinced him as much. The true reason is the do-nut you give him before you leave for the store is powdered by you with Arsenic. I should warn you that Arsenic is detectable in the bloodstream.
We like you Carl's wife and we know how frustrated you are at Carl's constant exposing of his script in public. Dusty will send you an email with our recommended course of action.
Your plight has touched many ASSES
unpoisoned respect
Kixx

Craig Ferguson and Oprah

Dear Dusty
Craig Ferguson (a tv talk show host) said that when Oprah (a tv talk show host) farts it helps people.

Do you think that's true?

Curious in Cleveland


Dear Curious in Cleveland today you were answered by Shayksis ASS

Due to non disclosure agreements Dusty can only reveal certain information to you mortals. I will allow her to tell you that Craig Ferguson, did reveal that Oprah's farts help people while talking through his ASS.

This information is usually reserved for those who strictly follow the laws and scriptures of Askanass or who are annual members of our fan club.

We believe Oprah's farts help improve peoples lives by turning negative energy into positive, mostly, sexual energy.
This gift and the fact she chooses to use it, makes her what you mortals will call an "Earth Angel" In the realm of Askanass the ASSES would call her an ANUS - A Negative Unit Shearer. This is one reason we believe she invites the PILES -Positively Inhibited Lacking Emotional Stability, like Tom Cruise etc on her show.
With you through all movements
Shayksis ASS

Dog's tasty treats from cat box

Dear Dusty,

My dog insists on eating "treats" from the cat's litter box. How can I convince him that not all ass material is to meant for digestion?

Signed,

Pooped in Peoria


Dear Pooped in Peoria today you were answered by Yore ASS

Your dog is very wise. Everything given by an ASS should be taken inside and digested.
You focus on your dogs choice of treat and it disgusts you. This wise ASS will tell you that it would not be a treat if it was acceptable to all and good for you and healthy. Does your dog judge you for those little white line powder 'treats' you have in a morning to help you through the day? No of course not. If this really is intolerable to you I suggest you might like to try cleaning out the litter tray.
with much effort
Yore

My Secret

Dear Dusty
I love ass and wondered if you could tell me my secret?
signed
Curious Cazza

Dear Curious Cazza today you were answered by Kiszma ASS

Your secret is so. The imaginary friend you had as a child, and sometimes still talk to today,was not in fact 5 year old blond pal Tommy, but a 53 year old Docker called Derrick. He did however listen to all of your hopes,dreams and worries. Unfortunately he shared them with your friends and enemies alike.
Love
Kiszma