My Husband thinks he has a stalker

Dear Dusty,
I'm worried about my husband. For the past month or so, every time I mention "going to the store" he freaks out and begs me to not to leave him home alone. He's afraid some ho'billy skank will come over and try to give him her hoochie cooties. He gets violently ill when he thinks about it, because he's sure she has to look like the landlady in that movie "Kingpin." *shudder* *gag* Poor man. He wants to know "why can't stalkers be hot?"

Concerned,
Carl's wife

Dear Carl's wife today you were answered by Kixx ASS

One of the keys to understanding this Universe, in fact any Universe, is being aware everything is a delicate balance.

When a man has a stalker they have to be unattractive and perceived by the man to look like the landlady from "kingpin" so that men do not fall for their wiles and have affairs. It takes the burden off the man's shoulders and removes temptation. Their names always end with a "eeee" or "eeen" sound. They are pretty harmless unless the man tempts them with smilies.

However, when women have stalkers they are always attractive. This is so that the woman has someone to fantasise about while having sex with her husband. Again avoiding her going outside the marriage for an affair. This also takes the burden off the man's shoulders.

Carl's wife, you and I both know that the reason Carl gets violently ill and incredibly upset when you go to the store has nothing to do with his stalker. Although you have convinced him as much. The true reason is the do-nut you give him before you leave for the store is powdered by you with Arsenic. I should warn you that Arsenic is detectable in the bloodstream.
We like you Carl's wife and we know how frustrated you are at Carl's constant exposing of his script in public. Dusty will send you an email with our recommended course of action.
Your plight has touched many ASSES
unpoisoned respect
Kixx

Smell of Farts:Insight into Karma

Dear Dusty
Why do farts smell bad?
signed
Anxious Inhaler

Dear Anxious Inhaler you were answered by Peechee ASS

The Universe in which you come from, withholds a secret from every mortal. Each individual has a different secret kept from them. The secret held back is different in each carnation as it is based wholly on Karma. The secret the Universe holds from you is that, in fact, farts do not smell bad.Only to you. Most farts smell of roses and freshly baked do-nuts. In fact your own farts actually smell like strawberry ice cream. Trust in me. When you next smell a fart, breathe deep, see if you can smell beyond the mask the Universe has cursed you with.
Better luck with your next life
Peechee